How much time have you given to learning how to negotiate? If you are completely honest, your most likely answer is “none”.
Frankly, most people avoid negotiation whenever possible. Why? They don’t want to “feel bad” asking for a lower price. They don’t want to do the necessary research. They don’t want to feel “confrontational”. Interestingly, in order to purchase things, they are forced to deal with someone who does not “feel bad” about asking an unrealistic amount of money for the product they are selling. I think you can clearly see the mismatch here. One person is attempting to take advantage and another is signing up to be taken advantage of. Do you ever find yourself in either role? Here is some advice – you don’t want to be either person.
It may seem that being the person that takes advantage is the better position, but in truth it is not. It only makes that person feel greedier and more entitled. Eventually, as with all greed, they will succumb financially and emotionally. Bernie Madoff comes to mind. He seemed to be doing pretty well for a time. Well, his time is now up. The best negotiations lead to both parties feeling a sense of value. That is only achievable in win – win negotiating. The objective is never to destroy the other side. It is to work collaboratively with them to reach mutual satisfaction. This may require both sides giving up a few things that they would have liked to have kept. But it is necessary to achieve the significant things that one desires.
If you are married, this story may have a familiar ring. Have you ever sat down with your significant other and had a conversation about a trip, a purchase or a decision that both of you initially disagree on? As you work through the conversation, does it ever occur to you that you are winning the battle and losing the war? Your insistence on “my way or the highway” may eventually break down your partners will to continue. So they give in and you win. Fantastic! Good for you! Next time an issue arises, you’ll go back to the same strategy that “solved” the problem last time. This happens over and over through the years. You always winning and your partner always losing. You find it interesting that they keep coming back when they already know who the boss is. Until one day they don’t come back. New problem. New negotiation. New higher stakes. But this time they show up to the party with a person that negotiates for them. You feel a bit intimidated. So you go and hire your own negotiator. Now both of you have a win at all costs and punish the other person mentality. You because you’ve always played that role. Your ex partner because they are tired of being trampled and want payback. Both parties now lose sight of the real target. A settlement that works for both of you so that you can move on with your life. The attorneys may fuel this fire knowing that you are paying them hourly to hurt the other party. Soon, there is nothing left to split and both parties are left with very little except bad feelings, loads of negativity and tons of emotional baggage to work through.
Do you see how win – win negotiating would be a better avenue for these folks. More importantly, can you see how win – win negotiating may have not only saved this marriage but actually enhanced each partners experience with the other. These people may have truly been in love with each other. Once winning trumps everything, this is the path that you are on. Want to get off that path. Learn to give a little and take a little less. See if that doesn’t help your marriage, your personal relationships and your work relationships. See if things start getting easier for you. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you find yourself in this position, you didn’t just land here. Your present situation is a reflection of all of your past decisions, good and bad. Keep the good. Learn to extinguish the bad.
Don’t know how? That’s why I’m here.
